The Impromptu Muse and Clone Play

by: Highlander II

Category: Silly, mostly
Archive:; all others, not w/o my permission.
Spoilers: There might be, but, to be honest, there isn't much canon reference in this.
Rating: PG-13: for mild language and mild violence.
Summary: Written over the course of a couple months at as an 'entertainment' piece. If there's plot, it's completely by accident. This was written 'off the cuff' and the only 'beta-ing' that has been done was by me, but it was all for fun and not meant to flow or have a point. So, read, enjoy, have fun!
Disclaimer: The characters herein do not belong to me, they each belong to the respective creators and production companies, and if I listed them all here one by one, the disclaimer would be longer than the play.
Feedback: Highlander II

*The lines in bold-italic are 'stage directions;' all dialogue is plain text.

*The background for this fic was originally green as a tribute to, but had to go with the redesign. Many thanks to Chris Padfield (affectionately known as Padders) for all his work on a site that has pretty nearly become my second home on the web!

Act I

Act I / Scene I

H2: Come on guys - let's entertain Scifimoth.

Hockey Jack Clone: But I was in the middle of a game. throws down stick, slings off gloves, ready to pounce

H2: Calm down, you can play again when we're done.

Hockey Jack Clone: Fine. But I'm NOT wearing some stupid get up.

H2: What you have on is fine. Geez.

Hockey Jack Clone pouts, but agrees

H2: Okay. Let's get started. And this is impromtu, so just make it up as you go.

Jarod Muse enters from stage left at a full run and slams into Hockey Jack Clone

Jarod Muse: Oh, excuse me, sir. I'm... um... I don't have time to explain now. looks over shoulder to see if persuer is still persuing

Hockey Jack Clone: looks miffed Who the heck do you think you are? pushes Jarod muse

Jarod Muse stumbles, but doens't fall, much to Hockey Jack Clone's dismay

H2: director's instruction Hockey Jack Clone - cut that out or you won't play hockey for a month!

HJC: Sorry.

back to play

Jarod Muse: I'm sorry. But, um.... I need to go. takes off running and exits stage right

HJC looks after Jarod Muse confused

Tall woman w/ .9mm and a team of large men enter stage left, they look pretty angry

Miss Parker Muse: Did a tall man w/ brown hair just come flying through here? she asks HJC

HJC: Um - no. I don't think so. a lie b/c he's upset about missing the hockey game

MP Muse huffs and pushes past HJC, stalking away, extits stage right

End Scene 1

Act I / Scene II: 

H2: We now see our Hockey Jack Clone wandering off stage to return to his game. (he's such a baby)...

HJC: from off-stage I HEARD THAT!!

H2: Wuss. Anyway -- now, for our next scene....

Cmdr Harmon Rabb, Jr. Muse (heretofore refered to as Harm Muse) is sitting atop an F-14 (no, please don't ask how I got that thing in here), one leg propped inside the cockpit, the other swinging along the outside edge of the cockpit (one generally wouldn't sit this way, but he's showing off), smiling down at the people below

Harm Muse: Come on, Mac. Just one ride? I promise, I'll go slow.

Sarah MacKenzie Muse: (heretofore referred to as S Mac Muse) Forget it, Harm! The last time you put me in one of those things I nearly lost my lunch, breakfast, and the night before's dinner.

Harm Muse: I can't believe a MARINE is afraid of a few "G"'s.

S Mac Muse: I'm NOT afraid. turning to the tugging at her sleeve What!?

Jarod Muse: out of breath I'm sorry, but I was wondering if you could help me.

S Mac Muse: I'm not sure. What seems to be the problem?

Harm Muse: What's going on, Mac?

S Mac Muse: to Harm This man says he needs help.

Harm Muse: Help with what?

S Mac Muse: sneers at Harm and focuses attn on Jarod How can we help you?

Jarod Muse: You could get me out of here.

S Mac Muse: Why? What's going on? How did you get on this base anyway?

Jarod Muse: holding up convenient military id I'm on leave, but someone is pursuing me. Trying to kill me. bad lie from Jarod Muse - not as good thinking on his feet as he thought

S Mac Muse: Who is pursuing you? I don't see anyone. looks around airfield

Jarod Muse: They probably can't get on the base, but, I can't stay here forever. I'll have to leave sometime.

Harm Muse: You can leave now. You know anything about these things? Harm hitches a thumb at the F-14

Jarod Muse: I've flown one before. Don't you know anything about them?

Harm Muse: incredulously Of course I know how to fly this thing. Are you coming or not?

S Mac Muse: Harm, what are you doing?

Harm Muse: points toward entrance of base Look. Dark car, angry looking civilians. You tell me.

S Mac Muse: All right. Just be careful, Harm.

Harm Muse: Aren't I always? big toothy smile

End SceneII

Act I / Scene III

Here we see several members of the VCTF looking over a crime scene. There is a body draped by a large black plastic sheet and several FBI vehicles w/ lights flashing around the scene.

Bailey Muse: Rachel, anything?

Rachel Character: (heretofore referred to as Rachel) No, Bailey, nothing. Sorry.

Bailey Muse: Don't worry about it. We have some time.

John Character: (heretofore referred to as John) Bailey, I think we have something over here.

Bailey Muse and Rachel follow John to the very edge of the scene and see what he has found.

Bailey Muse: John, what the hell is that?

John: I don't know. But, I think it's related to this murder.

Rachel: Well, I don't see how it fits.... scratches head

Bailey Muse: We'll pack it up and take it with us. turns to Grace the Medical Examiner (heretofore referred to as Grace ME) Take this one back to the shop, Gracey. Let me know what you find out.

Grace ME: You got it, Bail. to flunkies who are in charge of loading up the corpse and shipping it back to Atlanta Pack him up guys. Let's go.

Grace ME leaves w/ flunkies and body. Bailey Muse, Rachel and John stand in a huddle not doing much of anything.

Bailey Muse: I don't think there's anything more we can do here. Let's take this one back to the VCTF.

Rachel and John nod agreement and follow Bailey Muse to the waiting car to drive to the airport.

End Scene III



Act II / Scene I


Bailey Muse, Rachel, and John step out of car onto tarmac. They hear something and turn to look behind them and see an F-14 coming in to land at the next runway over.

Bailey Muse: What is an F-14 doing landing here?

John: Don't know. Must be some reason.

The group wanders over to the now taxiing F-14 and wait for it to stop rolling

Jaord Muse and Harm Muse step down from F-14, tuck helmets under their arms and strut across the field toward the group of FBI agents

Harm Muse: We aren't in a no-parking zone are we? big toothy smile

Bailey Muse: frowning Who are you?

Harm Muse: Commander Harmon Rabb, Jr. United States Navy Judge Advocate General Corps. And this is Jarod. hitches thumb at Jarod Muse

Bailey Muse: still frowning And you decided to land your F-14 here?

Harm Muse: Low on fuel. I'll get the Navy to pick it up later. (note - Harm would NEVER do that - the Navy would kick his @$$)

Rachel: Just now realizing who is standing next to Harm Muse Jarod??

Jarod Muse: Looks at Rachel, tilts head to one side Rachel! Hi.

Rachel: Jarod, are you okay?

Jarod Muse: Oh, yeah. Thanks to Commander Rabb, here.

Bailey Muse: Okay. We have work to do. Rachel, let's go.

Rachel: But, Bailey, maybe they can help us. Or we can help them.

Bailey Muse: What are you talking about? A Navy lawyer and Jarod? What could they do?

Rachel: Jarod is quite talented in many fields. And, we could always use a Navy lawyer. I'm sure he has some special talents we could utilize until we solve this case. He *is* a pilot after all. That could come in handy. sly grin

Harm Muse and Jarod Muse give each other worried glances at Rachel's comments

End Scene I

Act II / Scene II

Just as Rachel is about to speak again, a beam of bright light passes over them -- except John -- and they find themselves in a strange, grey-colored room.

Bailey Muse: What the hell is this? looks around, reaching for his mysteriously missing weapon Hey!

Harm Muse: glances to ceiling, then to floor Whatever it is, it's pretty big, judging by the size of this room.

They hear movement in one corner of the room and all turn to face it.

Mysterious Voice from corner: You're right. It is pretty big. Huge in fact. The mysterious figure begins to step from the corner

2nd Mysterious Voice: Sir?

Mysterious Voice from corner: gives harsh look to 2nd mysterious voice over shoulder Hello.

mysterious figure has stepped far enough for the four others to see it clearly now

Harm Muse: stands at attentvion Commander Harmon Rabb, Jr., sir!

Mysterious Voice from corner: At ease, Commander. I'm Colonel Jack O'Neill.

Harm Muse: Sir, what is this place?

Jack Muse: (formerly known as 'Mysterious Voice from Corner') Well, I can't really tell you that right now.

Harm Muse: Sir?

Major Samantha Carter Character: (heretofore referred to as Sam C) Sir, we have to tell them something. They were apparently brought here for a reason.

Jack Muse: I know that. But, they need some instructions first.

Sam C: Sir, these two landed an F-14 on that runway. My guess is they know the rules. These two? Well, I think they're both feds...

Bailey Muse: clears throat - offended

Sam C: Sorry. I didn't mean any disrespect.

Bailey Muse: Of course not.v

Jack Muse: However, instructions are still required. faces group of three men and the one woman Now, everything you are about to see here is classified / top secret. No one knows about this operation, and no one is gonna know. Is that clear?

Rachel: Of course, but one of our men is still... slight pause while she tries to figure out where she is out there. waves hand at nothing in particular

Jack Muse: Yeah, um, well, he won't remember anything anyway. Don't worry, he'll be all right. So, we all on the same page here? awaits affirmative nods from the group of four Good. Your weapons are over there. Get them and follow us. nods toward corner and two other men emerge

Bailey Muse: Whoa! What the hell is that? points gun at tall, dark-skinned man emerging from corner beside, slightly shorter, light-skinned man w/ glasses

Jack Muse: sighs heavily at the thought of having to try to explain this againThis is Teal'c. He's a friend of ours and currently more trustworthy to me than you are. Any problems with that?

Bailey Muse: None. lowers weapon

Jack Muse: Good. Move out.

Sam C: Sir, where, exactly, are we going?

Jack Muse: You'll know when we get there.

End Scene II

Act II / Scene III

Jack Muse is leading the troupe through long grey corridors and down long grey halls, until they stop at a large grey/silver set of doors

Bailey Muse: So, are we going in, or are we just going to stand here?

Jack Muse: shoots evil eye glance at Bailey Muse Patience, Agent Malone. You all have to wait out here while I go discuss some things with a friend of mine. turns to rest of his team Sam, Teal'c, stay here with them. Daniel, come with me. I can't have you talkin' their ears off.

Daniel Jackson (heretofore referred to as Daniel) smirks at Jack Muse but follows him anyway

Sam C: The colonel will just be a minute.

Harm Muse: What exactly is going on here, Major?

Sam C: You'll have to wait for the colonel, sir.

doors reopen and the group is waved into the large room by Daniel

Rachel: Oh my god! What the heck is this place?

Jarod Muse: Is this some type of spacecraft?

Jack Muse: Okay, campers. We don't really have time for questions right now. We have some work to do.

Jack Muse guides group toward a strange chair holding an odd figure

Jarod Muse: Aliens? We've been kidnapped by aliens?

Harm Muse: sneers at Jarod Muse Now don't be ridiculous. There are no such things as aliens.

Jack Muse: Well, don't tell him that. hitches thumb over shoulder at the odd figure in the strange chair

Harm Muse: Who is he?

Jack Muse: Him? Oh, this is Thor.

Harm Muse: skeptical Okay, and he's brought us here, why?

Thor: monotone sounding voice Because we require your assistance, Commander Harmon Rabb, Jr. of the United States Navy Judge Advocate General Corps.

Jack Muse: astonished You're a lawyer?

Harm Muse: smirks at Jack Museturns attention to Thor How do you know my name?

Thor: We know a great deal about your race. Unfortunately, we do not have much time.

Harm Muse: All right. What do you need us to do?

Thor: blinks once We need you to help us repaint this ship.

Bailey Muse: You what? eyebrows raise and he nearly drops his weapon

Thor: blinks and turns head toward Jack Muse O'Neill, they do not understand?

Jack Muse: No, they understand. They're just... well....

Jarod Muse: We can't understand why you would need our help to paint this vessel.

Harm Muse: Exactly. You used that light beam thing to get us up here....

Thor: Painting the ship cannot be done by Asgard means. It must be done by hand. And as you can see Thor rises from chair and crosses room to the group we are not able to reach the highest points of the ship.

Harm Muse: looks to ceiling I don't think we're tall enough either. sort of looks at self to make sure he hadn't grown several feet in the last few minutes

Thor: That is not a problem. We have mobile stairs you may use to reach higher. Will you help us?

Harm Muse: turns to look at Bailey Muse, Rachel, and Jarod Muse Hold on, what about these guys? points to SG-1

Thor: They will also be helping.

Jack Muse: incredulously Excuse me? I thought we were friends here.

Thor: blinks once We are. And do not friends help out other friends?

Jack Muse sighs

Thor: Then you will also help?

Jack Muse: Of course we'll help. But you owe us one.

Thor nods, then buckets of paint and brushes and rollers and large drop cloths appear beside him. Thor begins to leave

Daniel: Aren't you going to help?

Thor: I am needed elsewhere.

Thor leaves, group begins collecting items for painting

End Scene III

End Act II


Act III / Scene I

Here we see the Asgard ship, Eeyore, freshly painted and a crowd of Tau'ri (that's the humans) lounging around what could only be considered the 'mess hall', drinking as much water as they can and breathing hard after their long day of painting

Jack Muse: panting This is *SO* the last time I help someone paint.

Daniel: Was it really that bad, Jack? wipes sweat from forehead

Jack Muse: YES. It was. We had a mission scheduled for 1400, and it's now looks at watch 2342. I have a slight feeling that Hammond will be a smidge peeved.

Sam C: There is, Sir, still the matter of our guests and how they are to return home.

Jack Muse: annoyed Thor can send them back. Us too, for that matter.

Teal'c: flat-toned as usual Would it not be beneficial to ask Thor to return us to Earth?

Jack Muse: jumping up from the table upon which he was sitting Now there's a good idea. Teal'c, why don't you and Daniel go talk Thor into letting us out of here?

Daniel and Teal'c depart

Harm Muse: Sir, waits for acknowledgement from Jack Muse What exactly is Thor?

Jack Muse: Thor, well, he's an Asgard.

Harm Muse: What is an 'Asgard'?

Jack Muse: Well, Thor is an Asgard.

Harm Muse: very annoyed Thank you, Sir. And, with all due respect, is there a chance I'll get a straight answer to my question?

Bailey Muse: Probably not.

Jack Muse: Oh, so now you're the expert?

Bailey Muse: Did I say that? No. I just indicated that there was no way we would ever get a straight answer out of you. You *did* give us security clearance. So why not give us the answers to our questions?

Jack Muse: Because I, honestly, don't have answers to your questions. The best I can tell you is that the Asgard are a race of aliens that fly around in these big honkin' ships and fight these little spider looking machines. Anything else?

Harm Muse: No, I think that about covers it. riases and eyebrow toward Jarod Muse

Jarod Muse: I have a question. If no one's supposed to know about this project, then why are *we* here?

Jack Muse: Don't know that one either. My best guess is that Thor and his buddies just needed some saps to paint their ship. Not real happy about that one.

Teal'c and Daniel reappear

Jack Muse: So, we getting out of here, or what?

Teal'c: Or what. Thor said that we may not yet leave.

Jack Muse: WHAT??

Daniel: Jack, Thor said that he needs us for one more little holds up fingers in a gesture of very small project.

Jack Muse: Well he can for-get it! We're not helping him do anything else. Not after that lousy stunt he pulled with the painting.

Daniel: We don't really have much choice, Jack. We're in orbit around Othala.

Jack Muse: smacks head w/ hand, makes loud *thwap-like* noise

End Scene I

Act III / Scene II

In orbit above Othala

Jack Muse is rather pissed, Daniel is trying to keep him calm, Sam C is chatting with Harm Muse and Bailey Muse, and Rachel is asking Jarod Muse tons of questions, while Teal'c stands by watching the entire scene

Jack Muse: stops pacing Okay, so what exactly is it that Thor needs us to do now?

Daniel: Well, he didn't exactly say. cringes at having to reveal bad news

Jack Muse: Well, campers, we're gonna wander the halls like bored teenagers. Come on. But, please keep all weapons inside the car at all times. walks to door and as it opens he is greeted with a group of unhappy looking people

Mr. Lyle Muse: heretofore referred to as Lyle Muse Who the hell are you? evil sneer on his face

Jack Muse: matching sneer, but less evil Excuse me? eyes odd group -the man addressing him - tall, dark hair, missing a digit; tall, slender, beautiful woman; tall, grey haired man; and a shorter balding man who fidgets alot

Lyle Muse: Could you please just get out of the way. heavy sigh


Jarod Muse: quietly, to Rachel and Bailey Muse and Harm Muse Um, any chance you can sneak me out of here without them noticing?

Harm Muse: quietly That might be difficult. They're standing in the olny door.

Jarod Muse: quietly Well, then act like a wall. Block their view.

Bailey Muse: to himself Wuss. to Jarod Sure.

Jarod Muse: sneers at Bailey Muse

Sam C: to rest of group Hey, come on.


Jack Muse: to Lyle Muse Maybe, but you should take care to be more polite.

Lyle Muse: If I must. he watched intently as Jack and his entourage left the 'mess hall', then pushed his own sordid group into the vacated room

MP Muse: (this is Miss Parker Muse) Lyle, if you touch me again, so help me, you'll be missing your other thumb!

Lyle Muse: sneers at MP Muse

MP Muse: whips around at the tugging at her arm What? snaps at Broots

Broots: cowering Um, well, I ....

MP Muse: Spit it out, Broots!

Broots: Wasn't that Jarod? points toward corridor

MP Muse & Lyle Muse: simultaneously WHAT?!?!

Odd foursome runs from 'mess hall' chasing after the larger group they had just encountered

End Scene II

Act III / Scene III

while Lyle Muse, MP Muse, Sydney and Broots are stumbling over each other trying to run down the hall after Jarod Muse and his new friends, the SG-1 group (which includes Jarod Muse) encounters the following:

Jack Muse: holds hands out to stop group peers intently around the corner, searching for the source of the noise he just heard

Sam C: Sir? What is it? asks quietly

Jack Muse: I don't know. searches more and spots two men facing off in an odd engagement


two men facing each other, each weilding various objects - one man holding a lit stick of dynamite, the other a towel and a hockey stick

Dynamite Weilding Man: We both know how this is going to end...

Towel/Hockey stick Weilding Man: Oh, come on Murdoc. We don't even know where we are. If you kill me, you may never get out of here ... wherever *here* is.

Murdoc Muse: (was Dynamite Weilding Man) You just never learn do you, MacGyver... I *always* win!

MacGyver Muse: (Was Towel/Hockey stick Weilding Man) shakes head, tired of having this conversation over and over

Murdoc Muse: swings lit dynamite in front of MacGyver Muse's face, then pulls a knife from his boot Ready to die, MacGyver?

MacGyver Muse: Oh Man!


Sam C: seeing odd pairing facing off w/ strange weapons Sir, we have to do something.

Jack Muse: Ya think? (sorry - he made me type that)

Sam C: smirks at Jack Muse

Jack Muse: Come on. turns to rest of group JAG, you and Jarod, and the Feds hang back w/ Daniel and Teal'c. I think Sam and I can handle this. But, be prepared to back us up if we need you.

Harm Muse: Yes, sir. And, sir....

Jack Muse: What?

Harm Muse: My name is Commander Rabb or Harm. Not JAG, sir.

Jack Muse: Yeah. Whatever. Can I go now?

Harm Muse: I'm not stopping you, sir.

Jack Muse: smirks, then motions with his head for Sam C to follow him as he moves away from the wall, P-90 poised to fire if necessary All right, HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!

MacGyver Muse and Murdoc Muse freeze at the voice, then turn to face the approaching, angry soldier and his back-up

Jack Muse and MacGyver Muse both do a simultaneous double-take and blink hard

Murdoc Muse and Sam C look at each other then at the two other men

Sam C: Sir, what is going on here?

Jack Muse: Um... uh... I don't know Carter. Um....

Murdoc Muse: Excuse me. waits impatiently for Jack Muse to finally pull his eyes from MacGyver Muse We were in the middle of something here, so if you don't mind. waves for Jack Muse and Sam C to leave

Jack Muse: Actually, I DO mind. Drop the knife and.... oh hell. Carter, any ideas on the dynamite?

Sam C: No, sir. I've never had to put out dynamite before.

MacGyver Muse: I could do it, but I'd need goes into ramble of items necessary to put out the dynamite

Murdoc Muse: One small problem there, my friends. You points the the other 3 actually have to HAVE the dynamite. And, you don't! evil cackle

End Scene III

End Act III

Act IV

Act IV / Scene I

While Murdoc Muse is threatening MacGyver Muse, SG-1, Harm Muse, Jarod Muse, Bailey Muse and Rachel are waiting where they had been left, and Lyle Muse and his band of characters are still running through the corridors of the Eyeore, attempting to locate the SG-1 group

MP Muse: Lyle, where the hell are we going?

Lyle Muse: looks over shoulder at MP Muse After Jarod. forgets to turn around and runs into a wall THUD! Ow! mutters expletive

MP Muse: trying not to laugh

Broots: Uh... uh.... Mr. Lyle, are... uh... you ... um, I mean... okay?

Lyle Muse: sneers at MP Muse for laughing Yes. I'm fine. rubs side of face

Sydney: Don't you think we should find a guide?

Lyle Muse: No. I don't. I know exactly where we're going.

Broots: Really? Is that.. uh... why we've passed this ladder 14 times?

Lyle Muse: Shut up.

Two men approach the strange crowd and wait for the mini argument to end before speaking

Two men bicker amongst themselves about who will speak first

MP Muse: annoyed Excuse me. Can we help you?

Mike Muse: Um, yeah, I think so. We seem to have misplaced the rest of our party and we were wondering if you'd seen them?

MP Muse: looks annoyed

Lennie Muse: You can't miss 'em. They're both lawyers. One's a little taller than me, real skinny, salt and pepper hair, big busy eyebrows.

Mike Muse: The nose, Lennie. You can't forget Jack's nose.

Lennie Muse: sneers at Mike Muse, then turns back to MP Muse And the other, she's shorter, real pretty, brown hair, soft spoken.

Lyle Muse: Sorry. Can't help. Look. We're kinda busy here, so if you don't mind.

Mike Muse and Lennie Muse hold out NYPD badges to the group

Lyle Muse: sighs Why didn't you say so in the first place? facetiously Come on. Maybe you can help us find the guy we're looking for. over shoulder to MP Muse Get rid of these two clowns the first chance you get.

MP Muse: smirks a response equivalent to - yeahsureyoubetchabastard

Mike Muse and Lennie Muse fall in step with the "Scooby Gang" (loving title given to the group of Lyle, MP, Broots, and Sydney - it's a Pretender thing)

Mike Muse: Lennie, I got a funny feeling about this.

Lennie Muse: Yeah? Me too.

End Scene I

Act IV / Scene II

Murdoc Muse is still weilding the lit stick of dynamite and SG-1 and co, as well as MacGyver Muse, are all trying to figure out how to put out the dynamite

Murdoc Muse: still laughing

Jack Muse: gives raised eyebrow look over shoulder to group outside door

Jarod Muse: I have an idea. enters room and walks up to Murdoc Muse

Harm Muse: What the heck is he doing?

others shrug

Jarod Muse: slaps Murdoc Muse and grabs dynamite

Murdoc Muse: stunned, waves knife at Jarod Muse

Jarod Muse: dancing around to avoid knife Why would you bring dynamite onto a space craft?

Murdoc Muse: stops waving knife I didn't bring it onto a space craft. We were facing off in a garage and were transported here AFTER I lit the fuse. points at dynamite w/ fuse still lit

Jarod Muse: eyes dynamite fuse, then turns back to Murdoc Muse Why are you trying to kill this man? points to MacGyver Muse

Murdoc Muse: Don't you know anything? Haven't you ever seen the show? I come in and hunt MacGyver, then try to kill him, but end up maiming or hurting myself instead -- gonna have to talk to the writers about that one -- and everyone thinks I'm dead, except MacGyver, then I come back sometime in the next season and we start all over again. Where have YOU been?

Jarod Muse: smirks They didn't have tv where I grew up.

Jack Muse: Oh, for crying out loud. Can't anyone put out this fuse? And you points P-90 at Murdoc Muse drop the knife.

Murdoc Muse: drops knife, b/c he was hit in the back with a hockey stick, not b/c Jack Muse told him to Hey!

Sam C runs over and ties Murdoc Muse's hands with some rope that just appeared from nowhere

Jack Muse: Good. Now. About this dynamite.

bright light flashes over Jarod Muse's hand and dynamite disappears

Jack Muse: You gotta love those guys!

End Scene II

Act IV / Scene III

A man and a woman are fighting with swords, the woman shoves the man and he collides with a wall

Man: Hey! That's a wall.

Woman: Yeah? And this is a sword. charges him

Man: moves out of the way Cassandra, there were no walls before. No floor either. Now there are? Why?

Cassandra: formerly 'woman' What difference does it make, Methos?

Methos Muse: formerly 'man' smirks Cassandra, can you just stop fighting me for a minute and work with me here?

Cassandra: sighs and lowers sword All right. So, where are we?

Methos Muse: looks around I don't know yet. But, we should put these away. indicates sword

Cassandra: Fine. A truce, but only as long as where here. Wherever *here* is.

Methos Muse: tucks sword away Let's have a look around. motions for Cassandra to follow him as he walks toward what he thinks is a door

door mechanism opens and Methos Muse steps through and walks straight into a tall skinny man w/ salt and pepper hair

Methos Muse: Oh, excuse me.

Man w/ s&p hair: blinks and nods Of course.

Woman w/ s&p hair man: Jack, maybe these people can help us.

Jack McCoy Muse: (heretofore referred to as JMcCoy Muse) Maybe so, Claire.

Claire Muse: turns to Methos Muse So, any ideas on how we can leave here?

Methos Muse: Actually, I was going to ask you the same thing.

JMcCoy Muse: I suggest we investigate together.

Methos Muse: Agreed.

Cassandra: Excuse me, Adam but we were in the middle of something.

Methos Muse: (known as Adam to non-immortal-types) Cassandra, we will continue that later. Right now, we have to get back there. waves hand in non-specific direction

Cassandra: sighs and follows

Claire Muse: to JMcCoy Muse Jack, who are these people?

JMcCoy Muse: I'm not sure. But, I'm more concerned with getting back to my office and getting back to work.

The odd group continues wandering the corridors of the Eeyore

End Scene III

End Act IV

Act V

Act V / Scene I

Scooby Gang, Mike Muse and Lennie Muse are wandering halls and have no idea where they're going or how to get there

Mike Muse: to MPMuse So, anyone ever tell you....

MP Muse: turns and places hand on Mike Muse's chest Look, she eyes his plaid tie and fails to come up w/ a smartass nickname> I'm going to stop you before you get started. turns away and continues down the hall behind Lyle Muse

Lennie Muse: trying not to snicker at Mike Muse That was pretty cold man. I've never seen you shot down so fast.

Mike Muse: Shut up, Lennie. walks along corridor behind Scooby Gang


Lyle Muse: to MPMuse w/ a sneer I thought I told you to get rid of them.

MP Muse: Yeah? You tell me lots of things, but until the sign on your door says "King Rat", I'm not going to listen to you. drops back in group and latches arm onto Mike Muse w/ a sly smile in Lyle Muse's direction whispers in Mike Muse's ear Don't even think of trying anything, pretty boy.

Mike Muse: too stunned to speak, only nods

Lennie Muse: still trying to maintain control of threating to escape snickers

Sydney: Miss Parker, are you sure you know what you are doing?

MP Muse: Yes. Irritating Lyle. It's an unusual pasttime, I know, but someone's gotta do it. turns to Broots Broots, is there any way we might actually FIND Jarod on this tin whistle?

Broots: Well, um, he's not like an airplane with a transponder or anything, but my guess is that he's still with those other guys we saw him with earlier. We could find them.

MP Muse: That's great, Broots, but how do we find THEM?

Broots: I, well... um.... I don't know.

MP Muse: You're a big help, Broots. Why don't you find something useful to do.

Broots: moping

MP Muse: What?

Broots: Well, I was just going to tell you that I found this weird tracking device and there are 10 little green dots on it, all grouped together.

MP Muse: That's a large group. Where are they going?

Broots: Um, well, I'm not sure, but at least with this he holds up tracking device we'll be able to follow them.

MP Muse: So, what are you waiting for? Let's move. she pushes Broots and drags Mike Muse

Scooby Gang and Mike Muse and Lennie Muse follow the blips on the tracking device

End Scene I

Act V / Scene II

SG-1, Harm Muse, Bailey Muse, Rachel, Jarod Muse, MacGyver Muse, and Murdoc Muse are still wandering the corridors of the Eeyore, but come to what appears to be a dead-end and stop

Jack Muse: Okay, *this* is a bad idea.

SamC: What, sir?

Jack Muse: A hallway that goes no where.

bright light flashes around and Thor appears

Thor: O'Neill, I require your assistance. Please, come with me.

Jack Muse: Um, sorry. Not until we get some information.

Thor: What information do you require, O'Neill?

Jack Muse: For starters, why the hell we are here!

Thor: To help the Asgard.

Jack Muse: Um, gee. We already did that.

Thor: There is another matter that requires your assistance.

Jack Muse: shaking head Nuh, uh. We're leaving. We're not sticking around here to do all the work for you.

Thor: tilts head to one side as though he doesn't understand O'Neill, we are currently in orbit around the planet Othalla. You are not able to return home.

Jack Muse: Then take us back. Or send us back. I've seen Othalla. I just want to go home.

Thor: That is not possible at this time.

Jack Muse: Might I ask *why*?

Thor: The ship is low on power and the Stargate here has malfunctioned.

Jack Muse: slaps own head with hand, very hard, but says nothing

Thor: O'Neill, did you damage yourself.

Jack Muse: No. But, I'm going to damage you if you don't get us the hell out of here.

Thor: I explained already. We cannot.

Jack Muse: Fine. What do we have to do?

Thor: Help us repair the Stargate.

Jack Muse: closes eyes firmly for a moment, reopens them Now, let me get this straight. You are a race of aliens far more advanced than us, the measely Tau'ri, and *you* need *our* help to repair a device that was constructed by a race of aliens that were at least as smart as you if not smarter? glances around to the other nine members of his ever-growing troupe Anyone else see the flaw in this logic?

Harm Muse: Excuse me, but what is a 'Stargate'?

Jack Muse: smacks head again Rabb, shut up.

Harm Muse: indignent, slinks to wall and leans against it, arms crossed over chest

Jarod Muse: steps forward Perhaps I might be able to help.

Jack Muse: How?

Jarod Muse: Well, I'm not supposed to tell anybody this, but I'm a Pretender; a genius with the ability to become anyone that I want to be. Well, so the tagline on my show says.

Jack Muse: Hell, it's better than nothing. turns to Thor Anything else?

Thor: Yes. There are several other people wandering the ship, if you could locate them and return them and yourselves to the pauses and tips head to the side searching for a word 'mess hall', as you call it, then we can find a way to return you all to your planet.

Jack Muse: Yeahsureyoubetacha.

Thor: Jarod, come with me.

Jarod Muse: Sure. steps next to Thor

bright light consumes Thor and Jarod and they disappear, leaving the others standing in the dead-end corridor

End Scene II

Act V / Scene III

JMcCoy Muse, Claire Muse, Cassandra, and Methos Muse are wandering and come to a large room w/ a large cylander in the center

JMcCoy Muse: What the hell is that? looks upward toward top of cylander

Claire Muse: Wow.

Methos Muse: I have no idea. walks around cylander, inspecting it Maybe a power source?

Cassandra: For what?

Methos Muse: exasperatedI don't know.

Cassandra: hrmphs

JMcCoy Muse: I don't mean to interrupt, but can we move along?

Methos Muse: Yeah. Sure. Any ideas which way we should go?

JMcCoy Muse: points toward the door they had entered the room through That way.

Methos Muse: looking around and seeing no other door, placidly agrees, but thinks JMcCoy Muse is a smartass of the highest order and steps just outside the room> Now which way, oh brilliant one?

JMcCoy Muse: smirks, unamused
Why don't we ask them? points to his left

Claire Muse: Who is that?

Methos Muse: Where? looks to JMcCoy Muse's left Where the hell did they come from?

Scooby Gang, Lennie Muse, and Mike Muse approach Methos Muse, Cassandra, Claire Muse, and JMcCoy Muse

JMcCoy Muse: Detective Brisoe, Detective Logan, nice to see you both again. shakes hands with the two detectives Lennie Muse: Yeah. Weren't we having lunch about an hour ago? returns handshake

Mike Muse: Then we were suddenly struck with a bright light, and ended up here. snarky response

MP Muse: Ahem. If you don't mind, we have to find a way out of *here*.

Mike Muse: Of course. And who exactly is going to find this way?

MP Muse: elbows Mike Muse in the ribs Next time that won't be my elbow and that won't be your ribs.

Mike Muse: while gasping for air You got it.

Lyle Muse: with a sigh Can we go now?

MP Muse: sneers at Lyle Muse

Lyle Muse: shakes head and waves the group to continue to follow Broots and his tracking device

group, growing ever larger, moves along the corridor behind the computer tech and his gadget

End Scene III

End Act V

Act VI

Act VI / Scene I

SG-1, Harm Muse, Bailey Muse, Rachel, Jarod Muse, MacGyver Muse, and Murdoc Muse are wandering the corridors of the Eeyore, yet again, this time searching for the other Tau'ri who are also wandering

Murdoc Muse: Would you mind releasing my hands? This is quite uncomfortable.

MacGyver Muse: You're kidding right? I spend seven years trying to get rid of you and you expect me to let you go once you've been captured? No. You're going to stand trial for your crimes, then the system will have to deal with you.

Murdoc Muse: Come now, MacGyver. You know exactly what the system is going to do to me. All of the people I've killed? They will have no choice but to sentence me to death. Aren't you against the death penalty, MacGyver? Doesn't that go against everything you believe in? You're not going to let the state of California kill me are you?

Jack Muse: He might not have to worry about it. If you don't shut up, I'm going to save him the bother of the decision. points P-90 at Murdoc Muse's head

Murdoc Muse: raises an eyebrow, but says nothing

MacGyver Muse: thinks about responding, but says nothing

Harm Muse: to Jack Muse Sir, do we even know who we are looking for?

Jack Muse: Anyone who doesn't look like Thor.

Harm Muse: That helps, sir.

Daniel: to Harm Muse That's his subtle way of saying he doesn't have the first damned clue, but he's not going to admit that b/c it might make him look ridiculous.

Jack Muse: Do you want to end up in the same boat as this Murdoc character here, Daniel?

Daniel: You could have just told him that you didn't know. Would have been a lot simpler.

Teal'c: O'Neill's answer was correct, DanielJackson. We are looking for anyone who does not look like Thor.

Daniel: to no one in particular It's a conspiracy. They're all against me.

Bailey Muse: frowning Can we just get on with this? The sooner we find these people, the sooner we can....

Jack Muse: Go sit in the mess hall and wait for that genius Jarod to finish fixing the Stargate.

large group of people rounds a corner and stops just in front of the SG-1 group

MP Muse: Jarod is a genius. And we'd like to have him back. So, where is he? snaps at anyone w/in earshot

Jack Muse: glances at large group Haven't we met before?

Lyle Muse: Hand over Jarod and no one will get hurt. points .9mm at SG-1 group

Jack Muse: points P-90 at Lyle Muse I think you might want to reconsider that request. I have more bullets and a bad mood.

MP Muse: A .9mm and PMS. draws her weapon

Sam C: P-90, PMS, and no sleep or patience. draws her weapon

Harm Muse: no comment, but draws his own military issue weapon

Teal'c: also, no comment, but draws staff weapon

Bailey Muse: I haven't had a cigar in over 12 hours and I have a huge case in progress. draws weapon

Murdoc Muse: Well, my hands are tied in this situation.

MP Muse: looks over shoulder at the two cops Any help here?

Lennie Muse, Mike Muse both just shrug

MacGyver Muse: steps into small space between two groups Enough already. Everyone put the weapons away. They will solve nothing.

Daniel: steps into space next to MacGyver Muse He's right. And, Jarod isn't here anyway. He's helping to get us back to our homes. So, put away the weapons.

Jack Muse: Hand 'em over!

Daniel: No, just put them away. We're not going to make you give them up. sneers at Jack Muse for the look he's giving him Jack, it won't do any good anyway. It will only cause more hostility. And we need to get out of here. to Scooby Gang group So, put your weapons away and come with us to the mess hall.

MP Muse: Why?

Teal'c: That is where we were instructed to wait. lowers staff weapon

MP Muse: Fine, but you guys had better not try anything.

Jack Muse: I wouldn't dream of it.

End Scene I

Act VI / Scene II

Last we saw our fearless group - now quite large, about 17 people - heading off toward the mess hall to wait for Jarod and Thor to finish repairing the Stargate on Othalla

Now, the group is lounging around the mess hall, engaged in a game of charades - which they had to explain in monotonous detail to Teal'c - and Mr. Lyle is currently attempting to impersonate a girrafe, but he looks more like an elephant on crack

MP Muse: Lyle will you just give up. No one can tell what the hell that is supposed to be, and you're giving me a headache.

Broots: Anyone know any other games? asked enthusiastically

Jack Muse: We military types could have a race field stripping our weapons. tossing his hat into the air and catching it

Harm Muse: raises an eyebrow, tho he's somewhat intrigued by the idea b/c it means no one else will try to act out some odd exotic animal he's never heard of again

Bailey Muse: All right, Jack, so, what's the prize for finishing first?

Jack Muse: You mean you really wanna do that? Okay. Finish first, and that's take the weapon apart and put it back together, gets to pick the next game.

Bailey Muse: sighs Well, guess that's good enough. Let's go.

Bailey Muse, Harm Muse, Sam C., Jack Muse, Lennie Muse all gather around one of the tables w/ .9mm pistols

Jack Muse: Okay, who's gonna time this?

Daniel: I will. crosses to table and readies watch All set?

group of military types nods

Daniel: Go! starts timer on watch

Military types begin stripping weapons, then reassembling, Bailey Muse finishes first, followed by Jack Muse, Sam C., Harm Muse, and Lennie Muse - who dropped the firing pin so he was a little slow

Daniel: stops watch> Bailey finished first. So, what's the next game?

Bailey Muse: begins to speak, but stops when the doors to the mess hall separate and Jarod Muse steps into the room, followed by Thor

Thor: O'Neill, waits for Jack Muse to stand
the stargate has been repaired, we can now send you all home.

Jack Muse: WOOHOO! Let's move out kids!

Thor: Stop, O'Neill. I have to send the groups back one at a time, or everyone will not return to their proper locations.

Jack Muse: And this means, what, exactly?

Thor: That your group must return last.

Jack Muse: smacks self in head w/ hand Fine.

Thor: Miss Parker, Mr. Lyle, Sydney, and Mr. Broots, please follow me.

MP Muse: What about Jarod? snarls

Thor: Jarod did not arrive with you. turns and exits mess hall

Lyle Muse: No, but he should leave with us.

Thor: No, Mr. Lyle. bright beam of light engulfs the Scooby Gang and Thor, and they disappear

Jack Muse: Well, guess we'll be here for a little while kids. Make yourselves comfortable again. sits on table, shaking head

End Scene II

Act VI / Scene III 

Last we saw, Thor had just taken the Scooby Gang off to return them to their last known location

Jack Muse pokes his head out the door of the mess hall and stops one of the Asgard who is passing

Jack Muse: Excuse me, Thor just took a group of people to be returned to Earth through the Stargate....

Asgard: (not the ASciFi one) They will remember nothing.

Jack Muse: That's great, but what about the rest? And us? indicates SG-1

Asgard: Only you and your team will remember, O'Neill.

Jack Muse: Oh, good. I thought you might try to make us forget this lovely experience. I'm going to recommend painting Asgard ships to all my friends.

Asgard: looks confused

Jack Muse: Nevermind. Thank you.

Asgard: You are welcome, O'Neill. Asgard continues along corridor

Jack Muse: rubbing head Anyone else just completely loving this?

Harm Muse: Sir, how do we explain this to our superiors?

Jack Muse: Don't worry about it, Commander. It won't even be an issue.

Harm Muse: Sir?

Thor appears in the doorway of the mess hall

Thor: Next will be Adam Pierson and Cassandra.

Methos Muse: silently thanking some god somewhere that this alien did not reveal his name to the entire ship If we must.

Cassandra: snarls, but says nothing

Thor: Jonathan McCoy, Claire Kincaid, Michael Logan, and Leonard Briscoe, you will be next. Please be prepared. exits mess hall via the bright light transport thing with Methos Muse and Cassandra

Jack Muse: Wait, wait, and wait some more. Isn't there anything else we can do?

Thor reappears in the mess hall

Thor: We are ready to transport the next group.

Bailey Muse: You're back? It took much longer the last time.

Thor: Yes. Members of the previous group were uncooperative when asked to step through the Stargate.

Jarod Muse: I guess I should have warned you about that. Sorry.

Thor: nods once McCoy, are you prepared?

JMcCoy Muse: Yes.

Thor: Come with me.

JMcCoy Muse and company follow Thor and disappear via the bright light transporter

Jack Muse: stretching So, let's see, we have left now, the Feds and the Flyboy and the Pretender. Oh, and who can forget my long-haired twin and his pyrotechnic friend?

Smirks from those mentioned by Jack Muse.

Jack Muse: What? shrugs innocently I did not mean to offend.

Daniel: Jack, could you try to be nice?

Jack Muse: smirks at Daniel

Thor appears again and takes MacGyver Muse and Murdoc Muse, then Bailey Muse and Rachel, then once more returns for Harm Muse and Jarod Muse, leaving only SG-1 left in the mess hall

End Scene III

End Act VI


Act VII / Scene I

Jack Muse: Okay, so, when is Thor gonna send us on home? Hmmmmm?

Teal'c: I do not know, O'Neill.

Jack Muse: Well, he'd better hurry up, I have hockey tickets!

doors slide open and Thor appears

Jack Muse: Finally. All right troops, saddle up, let's go.

Thor: O'Neill, we are not ready to return you.

Jack Muse: WHAT?!

Daniel: Jack, calm down.

Jack Muse: snarls at Daniel

Daniel: Thor, look, we're glad we could help, but we really need to get back to the SGC.

Thor: Yes. I understand. However, we are currently under attack.

Jack Muse: By what? We're in the middle of NOWHERE!

Thor: That is incorrect, O'Neill. We are in the galaxy of Ida.

Jack Muse: Aaaarrrggghhh!

Thor: I am joking, O'Neill. We are ready to return you to Earth.

Jack Muse: NOT funny! snarls at rest of SG-1 who is laughing nearly hysterically

Thor: Follow me.

SG-1 follows Thor along the corridors to the Stargate

Jack Muse: Good-bye, Thor. And next time - do *not* call us for your home repair needs! shoves team through Stargate, then steps through himself Remind me to never do this again!


Hammond: What was that, Colonel?

Jack Muse: Oh, nothing, sir. Just getting jerked around by our friends the Asgard, AGAIN!

Hammond: They had said this was an important mission.

Jack Muse: Yeah, if you can call painting their damned ship and 'important mission'.

Hammond: sighs

Jack Muse: My thoughts exactly.

End Scene I

Act VII / Scene II

Harm Muse, Jarod Muse, Bailey Muse, and Rachel appear on the tarmac where they had left, John still standing there where they had left him

John: ...we're gonna take these guys back to Atlanta and use them to help us with this case?

Bailey Muse: Um, John, what are you talking about?

John: looks around These two. Rachel said they could come in handy?

Rachel: I did? When? looks confusedly at Harm Muse and Jarod Muse

John: Just a second ago. Did you guys have a brain drain or something?

Bailey Muse: glances to Rachel, then back to John No. I don't think so. Let's just get back to the VCTF and work this thing out.

Harm Muse: Yeah. We'll be going too. Gotta get that F-14 back before someone misses me. claps Jarod Muse on the shoulder You ready to roll?

Jarod Muse: Yes. turns to Rachel Sorry this was such a short visit.

Rachel: Yeah. Next time try not to catch me in the middle of a case. smiles then turns and walks w/ Bailey Muse and John back to the car

Jarod Muse: as he and Harm Muse are walking toward F-14 Didn't you say that we were low on fuel?

Harm Muse: Yeah, but that was a lie so we didn't look stupid for landing here. I just wanted to irritate the FBI.

Jarod Muse: wrinkles brow I'm not sure that was such a good idea.

Harm Muse: shrugs Doesn't matter, they don't even remember seeing us land. Come to think of it. I don't remember landing.

Jarod Muse: Me neither. Well, let's go. I'm sure that lady you left on the tarmac is a bit concerned.

Harm Muse: Mac? Nah, she'll be okay. climbs into cockpit of F-14, followed by Jarod Muse But, we'll get back anyway.

Harm Muse rolls F-14 down the runway and takes off into the big blue sky

End Scene II

Scene III

Act VII / Scene III

When last we saw the group, Harm Muse and Jarod Muse were climbing into the F14 they didn't remember landing and heading back to the tarmac where they had left S Mac Muse standing as MP Muse and her gang were fast approaching

Harm Muse: We're almost there. Ready to land for real this time?

Jarod Muse: Um, if you don't mind my saying, Commander, that is NOT the tarmac we left from several, hours or so, ago.

Harm Muse: with a twinkle in his eyes Nope. That's the USS Patrick Henry, and I'm due for a trap.

Jarod Muse: Huh? Oh, landing on a carrier. Are you insane?

Harm Muse: offended No. I need to stop in for my quals. They know we're coming.

Jarod Muse: How? They have ESP?

Harm Muse: No. I just radioed in. Where were you? Asleep?

Jarod Muse: I hope not. chuckle

Harm Muse: Very funny. Now get ready.

Harm Muse guides F14 and glides in to land smoothly, well, as smoothly as one can through a big honkin' aricraft onto a slow moving lump of steel and such in the middle of the ocean, on the deck of the carrier

Harm Muse: Smooth as a baby's bottom.

Jarod Muse: rubbing head Yeah, until you actually hit the carrier, then it was like running over the rockies. What the hell was that?

Harm Muse: Turbulence?

Jarod Muse: with a smirk Not bloody likely. to steal a phrase

Harm Muse: Shut up and get out of my plane.

Jarod Muse: Gladly. As soon as you get me BACK to where I was!

Harm Muse: Can't. This time we really ARE low on fuel.

Jarod Muse: exasperated sigh>

Harm Muse: C'mon. I gotta make a phone call. climbs down from F14 and crosses deck, Jarod Muse right behind him, goes to communications center and makes call to S Mac Muse

S Mac Muse: Harm, where are you?

Harm Muse: The Atlantic. Working on my quals.

S Mac Muse: There are some pretty upset Navy personnel here, Harm. They want their plane back.

Harm Muse: Tell 'em will be back as soon as it's fueled up and ready to go.

S Mac Muse: How long will that be?

Harm Muse: Few minutes for the fueling, but the flying back? 'Bout and hour or so, maybe less.

S Mac Muse: You are SO gonna get court martialed for this.

Harm Muse: Um, look, Mac, gotta go. They're done with the plane. hangs up and grabs Jarod Muse on his way back to the flight deck Let's go. Got lots to do.

Jarod Muse and Harm Muse climb into F14 and are shot off the carrier like a stone from a slingshot and fly back to the tarmac where they left S Mac Muse

Jarod Muse: climbing out of cockpit Well, nice as this was, I really must be going. It was great meeting you, Mac. takes off at a run across tarmac and locates MP Muse's vehicle, hotwires it and speeds away from the airfield

Harm Muse: Thought you said there were some angry men around.

S Mac Muse: There were. They're off chatting with the Admiral as we speak.

Harm Muse: I'm in trouble.

Meanwhile, Jarod Muse is speeding along the road and returns to where he had started, jumps out of car and enters stage right

HJC: Oh, you're back. Have a nice trip?

Jarod Muse: Not really. Thanks for asking.

HJC: There was a woman looking for you earlier.

Jarod Muse: Yeah? What'd she want?

HJC: Apparently your head on a platter. Didn't much care, she was cutting into my hockey time.

Jarod Muse: Yeah? Well, if you see her again, tell her you haven't seen me. Good bye! exits stage left

HJC: Yeah sure. NOT. I'm going to play hockey. exits stage left