The Christmas Song - Spike's Version

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire

Oh please, not again. I don't think I can take much more of this.

Jack Frost nipping at your nose

In California? I don't bloody think so.

Yuletide carols being sung by a choir

Or by the evil sodding caroling types who sniff me out Every. Sodding. Year. Bugger off.

And folks dressed up like Eskimos

*blinks and looks very confused* I don't think there are any Eskimos in LA.

Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe

Whoa! Hold up - mistletoe. Yeah, okay, we can have that. Who's under it with me? That Slayer - no, the other one - her. That'd be good. Sorry, Blondie, you're off the list.

help to make the season bright

Thought the lights did that.

Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow

Kids? Now you've gone and brought kids here? Sod this. Can't play under the mistletoe with a bunch o' lil'nibblets runnin' around.

will find it hard to sleep tonight

They're not the only ones.

They know that Santa's on his way

Thought Anya cleared up this whole Santa thing. He disembowels children. These tots sure they wanna wait for him?

He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh

*sigh* And the myth lives on. Please.

And every mother's child is gonna spy

What about every father's child? They gonna do anything? Oh, right, shoot cork-pop guns at these bloody singers!

to see if reindeer really know how to fly

They do know how to fly. Just they usually don't. People started makin' fun, there was badness, it was a whole big thing. Very ugly.

And so I'm offering this simple phrase

Go. The. Hell. Home. That's my simple phrase.

to kids from one to ninety-two

I'm thinking that if someone's ninety-two, he's not so much a kid as nearing worm-food.

Although it's been said many times, many ways

Too many times and too many ways - will ya'll please shut up already?

Merry Christmas to you

Sod off.

End